On regrets and learning. Who are we?

Who are we? Are we our relations? Most likely we are not. We seldom feel that we can be ourselves with the ones who raised us. We feel the need to play a role in most instances. We are the rebellious child, the cherub, the hero or the accused. We do what we must for demonstrated affection, attention in any combination.

I have made mistakes in my life. I had wished to take back poor choices and actions. I had not only wished to take back the bad choices on my part, but also those of the people around me. It has taken awhile and yet I still have to remind myself to steer the course. I have forgiven. Not only have I forgiven, but I have also taken it into my heart to be thankful of those lessons and the resulting pain and turmoil that those lessons have offered me. There is little time in the present for regret and buried pain of the past.

These lessons have forced me to mold and shape myself. I am a result of my environment and my reactions to my environment. We all are. It is difficult and painful to hurt someone, even unintentionally. We carry with us the burden of doing so and we feel shame or victimized. This shame is often resentment of ourselves and buried rearing its head in our deepest and darkest moments. We have to remember that at some point we have learned from this lesson, positively. There is some light waiting to be discovered in those memories, if not for us than for someone else who was impacted. We have only to have faith in it. Or, if that is too passive, perhaps we should seek it.

Without these experiences, I would have had to wait to grow. The pain was meant to happen. Something had to catch my attention in such a way to make an impact on me long enough for me to reflect and not just respond. Without reflection, these experiences just ricochet within my psyche until the impact has been absorbed. It had to make sense. Logically, what could this mean? How can I learn from this, positively? A negative impact is far too easy and a waste of time to contemplate.

If we find ourselves in a situation far too often we should take the time to reexamine why this is so. We should not blame those around us for our situation we should try to find the strength to trust ourselves to change it. A poor family life is no excuse if we look for a mate who will force us to follow a similar pattern. Are we still trying to fill the role of the dutiful child or the rebellious one? Are we still playing the role of the victim or the accused? If we’re unhappy with our situation perhaps we should try to allow ourselves the role we would wish for ourselves, instead of the one we think we’ve been allotted?